My Dear John

woman-570883_1280Dear John,

The first time we met is a day that I will never forget. My best friend and I drove for almost three hours just so we can attend your Fourth of July party. I barely even knew you then, but somehow, I wasn’t scared. After that long drive and getting lost, I finally had to call you. Somehow, my nervousness took over me when you answered the phone so my best friend had to take the phone away from me.

I was sitting in the passenger seat when you and your friend opened the door and showed us where to park. The first thing I noticed about you when we all got out of the car was that you weren’t wearing any shoes. Yes, I know we were by the beach but it was a little silly.

We said our hello’s and the five minute walk to your house was great. We talked about family and school and traveling; life in general. You introduced me to your friends and I’m not going to lie, you are a good looking bunch.

You offered me a drink and I told you I was only twenty and you said, “That’s right. I forgot how young you are”. I went that whole night thinking that the six years difference between our age didn’t bother you until the very next day.

Oh, John, that night we kissed and we watched fireworks over the water. I remember when I sat on your lap and the back of the chair gave way and we just laid on the sand, laughing. We spent the whole night playing games and having a good time. We stayed up until dawn and we looked for you brother because he decided to go to the beach by himself.

One thing that I keep replaying in my mind was when you were sitting on the kitchen stool eating a brownie, with one arm wrapped around my waist. It was such a simple gesture but it felt so right.

The forehead kisses and that sweet, crooked, smile of yours that made my stomach feel like a hurricane was happening inside. This feeling doesn’t come to me very often but I’m glad it came to me that night.

The next day, you acted so different. You explained that you were just tired and I said I understand. When it was time for me to go, you walked my friend and I halfway to the car and you gave me one tiny kiss. To be honest, I imagined this moment to go a little differently.

When I finally confessed to you that I have fallen for you, the words that you said instantly dashed all hope that I had. You simply explained that you are a very busy person and that you’ll be moving soon. Also, that I was too young for you. Wow, I’ve been living all my life thinking that it’s okay to like or love someone no matter how old they are. I guess I was wrong.

I cried a lot over you. I can’t count how many times I wished that I never met you. The times when I texted my best friend about you while crying because the pain of rejection that I felt, I just couldn’t tune out. It’s funny, really, when you finally meet someone that you can’t stop thinking about, they don’t feel the same way about you.

That’s the bad thing about me, when I fall for someone, I fall too hard.

For the next few weeks, I spent my time hoping that you would text me or like my pictures or do anything that would indicate that you know that I still exist. Honestly, those were the days that I am not proud of. I shouldn’t be sitting around, waiting for a guy to notice me. The weird thing about this is that you didn’t even end up moving like you said you were.

There were days when I thought that I was finally okay with you not wanting me. I would be having a great day then you would talk to me out of the blue and all the feelings that I had for you would come rushing back in. It’s like you could sense that I wasn’t thinking about you so you just had to remind me that you were still there.

Months later, here I am, writing about you. It’s okay, I don’t think about you anymore as often as I did. I don’t miss your kisses like I used to. The mention of your name doesn’t give me butterflies anymore. I don’t lay awake at night wondering why another day had gone by without you speaking to me. I definitely don’t cry over you anymore.

There was a time when I was afraid you would find another girl that you would treat how I’ve always wanted to be treated by you, but not anymore. If you ever do find a girl, I want you to know that I am happy for you. I’m glad that you found the time out of your busy schedule. I’m glad that you found a girl who isn’t six years younger than you. Oh, look at that, you still haven’t moved either.

John, you will probably never read this but if you do, I’m glad I met you. I have grown a lot since we last saw each other and you have taught me a lot about life. We had a lot of great conversations and you know things about me that only my best friend would know.

What I have been trying to say all these time is thank you. Thank you for teaching me that not everyone deserves my time or attention. I hope that you find what you’re looking for. Good luck.